Knowing That What You Have Is Not What You Have

 “Purpose is the essential element of you. It is the reason you are on the planet at this particular time in history. Your very existence is wrapped up in the things you are here to fulfill.” – Chadwick Boseman

 

The perpetual quest for purpose is an endless tedious pursuit, that consumes us from the moment we set foot into this mundane world. Its concept and ideas, are often discussed and imparted to us at various tenets of our lives, ranging from early childhood to our early twenties, and is often wrapped up and tied to the notions of identity and meaning. Purpose is how we comprehend our place in the world, as well as the means through which we seek to gauge an understanding of why we are here at this particular time, how we may use this time effectively, and meaningfully live our assigned life to the fullest.

Picture this: a bunch of individuals are randomly selected and casually placed all over a planet called Earth. Each of them are aware that their stay is limited, although they are unaware as to when it would expire. They are surrounded by suffering and horrifying events that scar them, and question the brutal nature of humanity. From family, friends, colleagues, to the limitations and the susceptibility of their body to diseases, they are enclosed in a cycle of both physical and mental suffering, wreaked upon them and the rest of the world, with no explanation for its presence, as well as our existence.

This type of situation inevitably leads to a realization of our material, mundane insignificance, in relation to the vast significant nature of the cosmos, which in turn results into a vicious downward spiral of manifested existential crises, due to the incomprehensibility of our existence. The notion of serving a greater purpose, being part of a larger scheme of things, along with the assumption that our presence and actions have some great cosmic meaning behind them is developed as a coping mechanism. Classic phrases such as ‘everything happens for a reason’, come into play to soften the blow of that realization, and a sense of purpose is attached to every incident and action, in order to add meaning to our state of existence. After all, our will to live significantly diminishes when we realize that there is no meaning in life, if nothing we do or experience, matter in the greater scheme of things.

The problem with placing our life’s focus in either seeking or achieving a sense of purpose, as a coping mechanism to our limited existence, is that purpose, like everything else is temporary and inconsistent. When we place our faith and focus on such states, it can negatively impact our quality of life, regardless of whether the purpose is fulfilled or not.

This impact can be explored through an illustration of two events.

The first instance revolves around an individual whose sole purpose is to become one of the leading actresses in the film industry, and earn millions along with recognition for her craft. She quits college in pursuit of her passion, and finally after struggling to establish herself she earns worldwide recognition.

However, while she was prepared to be a full time actress, and forfeit her privacy to be a face of the public, she also encounters a lot of biases and negative attention. Additionally, she finds that acting in movies no longer invokes the same zeal, passion and joy that once drove her. The hectic schedules appear to be monotonous, and the fanatical behavior of the fans and the general public which once thrilled her, has now been transformed into a source of anxiety and extreme discomfort. All the recognition and money obtained from years of hard work, sacrifice and dedication seem meaningless when viewed in retrospect, and the actress now enters into a state of hopelessness, dejection, and frustration.

The second instance deals with a passionate writer who is struggling to get her first publication. This individual also driven by passion and purpose, has dedicated years of study to the craft of writing, has taken up numerous writing courses, studied literature, as well as published numerous blogs and creative pieces on numerous forums. Additionally, the book that she is attempting to publish has taken her nearly four years to complete, because of the excess research and study dedicated to perfecting her work. Each trip to a publisher has only been met with harsh criticism and blatant rejection. Writing is her passion, a craft she has been honing and improving since her teenage years, only to result in no one willing to give her book a chance to be read. Gradually, the writer descends into a state of absolute dejection and frustration at the lack of opportunities present.

Both instances involve two artists driven by passion to achieve their sole purpose, which is recognition for their craft. The actress having fulfilled her purpose is frustrated because all her success and recognition now appear to be meaningless once it was finally achieved. The writer on the other hand, is equally frustrated due to the inability and lack of opportunities that are a barrier in fulfilling her purpose. The above two individuals highlight how the devotion to purpose results in feelings of inadequacy and frustration, irrespective of the it being fulfilled or not. When purpose is tied to identity and treated as a goal that needs to be achieved, its impact on one’s state of being is negative and detrimental.

The link between identity and purpose is detrimental, as both facets are extremely fluid in nature, and completely independent of each other. Numerous accounts of individuals who have embarked upon various journeys and endeavors in the pursuit of attempting to unravel ‘who they are’ (i.e. discover their identity), and ‘what it is they are meant to do’ (the search for purpose), have been recounted.

The irony of such a pursuit lies in the fact that identity comprises of a collection of abstract notions bound together, and thus cannot be unraveled or ‘discovered’ by simply travelling or embarking upon certain endeavors. Furthermore, as stated previously both facets are independent and do not equate the other. Identity is not wrapped up in purpose, and treating it as such results in an inability to function without purpose. This becomes problematic, as it disrupts our quality of life, leading to a state of hopelessness and frustration, as depicted through the above two illustrated events. When we feel that the lack of purpose distorts our identity, and cripples our ability to experience an enriching and fulfilling life, we operate under a mentality reflective of what could be termed as ‘self-imposed slavery’, simply due to the inability to fathom a life devoid of purpose.

At this point, we have established that the search for purpose is a futile endeavor, and the association that identity is wrapped up in purpose, is a detrimental notion that hinders a stable mentality, and results in an impairment of our quality of life. We have also exhibited how purpose adds fuel to our being, without which our will to live is imminently compromised.

Thereby, in order to achieve some form of resolution, two significant facets must be explored and discussed in order to formulate a solution that will provide some sense of closure, or at least divulge some understanding, to avoid falling into the pit of existential crises.

If purpose is the driving force behind individuals, then the abolishment of such an ideal would inherently be absurd and impractical. Furthermore, if the complete surrender to purpose, to the extent that identity becomes an inherent part of it, is reflective of slave mentality, then one would first have to establish what it takes to be a ‘free individual’.

As mentioned previously, the notion of identity is a composition of layers filled with abstract ideals tightly bound together. When tackling the notion of identity, the lens of Buddhism proves to be the most appropriate approach for such a task. Buddhism encourages detachment and the art of letting go, and even argues that our concept of ‘self’ is simply based on a mental construction, that our entire life is spent trying to free ourselves from, which in reality, entraps individuals more than providing some sense of identity and closure.

All our lives, we have been surrounded with various platforms and communities that encourage us to discover our identity. Various philosophers stated that the purpose of each individual during their lifetime, is to uncover their identity and discover who they truly are, and declare that an unexamined life is a life not worth living.  Hence, such phrases such as Socrates’s ‘know thyself’ have been transformed into everyday proverbial wisdom. Often primary school teachers have subjected their young pupils to the very question that takes a lifetime to answer, and still remains inconclusive up to date, by handing their pupils the dreaded and most absurd essay topic famously titled ‘Who Am I’.

Yet Buddhism on the other hand, denounces such pursuits and is more concerned with the layers of abstract and material ideals that form our mental construction, and encourages us to break free from such concepts through a gradual process of detachment. Most often the word ‘detachment’ has been used synonymously with the term ‘indifference’, therefore prior to the exploration of the path of detachment, the distinction between the two terms must be clarified, and shall be done through illustrated events.

Picture a lake. It is filled with images of the trees and the vast blue sky, coupled with the occasional flocks of birds that traverse the sky, the insects that perch on the banks, as well as the humans that stroll pass, and take a moment to peer into its depths. These images are all been reflected in the still water of the lake. Now imagine that a person comes by and flings a couple of pebbles in to the lake. As we all know, such an act temporarily disrupts the stillness of the water, causing a surge of ripples across the surface, before resuming its motionless state.

If we take the lake as a metaphor for the human mind, every experience, incident and feeling should ideally be observed from a distance with a calm objective mindset as much as possible. Just like how the lake reflects its surroundings but does not absorb anything, the mind should observe each incident and feeling, without getting affected by what it sees or experiences. Additionally, when individuals come and throw pebbles, which is an allusion to the disruptive forces, that most often arrive in the form of difficult people, represents how their forces could disrupt the peace and tranquility of our mind. However, once the ripples of disruption pass, our minds should resume its stillness. This is called detachment: when the forces of the world cannot penetrate but can be reflected and observed as distant images, and the individual remains unaffected by its forces in the face of it all.

Now envision a scenario where an individual remains completely unfazed and untouched by anything: a man completely devoid of the ability to feel anything, witnessing the death of a family member, feels no different than watching your child win an achievement award. The individual is unable to experience or exhibit any sign of remorse, joy, frustration, or even a hint of embarrassment.

Often at some point of our lives, each of us have desperately wished that we could cast off this exasperating inbuilt device known as emotion, and be free from its influence, which is known to cause more pain than joy, in a world rampant with suffering. However, lack of emotion upsets the equilibrium of the mental state, as its absence results in the inability to experience feelings, which not only hinders the ability to express emotion, but thwarts the ability to maintain good relationships, as one would be unable to comprehend the feelings of others and act accordingly.

An individual who cannot feel or understand the feelings of others is not detached but indifferent. Such individuals are unable to live an emotionally rich and fulfilling life due to their indifference, and thus are unable to appreciate and enjoy the small wonders and the simpler things life has to offer. Additionally, those who resort to extreme indifference where nothing in the world can arouse a single hint of emotion, where they are completely devoid of hope, as well as adopt the extremely pessimistic view that all values are inherently baseless, and condemns existence, find themselves on the further end of the indifference spectrum known as nihilism. Nihilists not only believe that life is meaningless, but also view other aspects of existence such as action and suffering, as empty and senseless.

The process of detachment is a long gradual one that like many other practices such as meditation, appear to be simple in theory, but extremely challenging to adopt as a drill that is followed diligently. It is the tightrope that stretches between nihilism and as discussed, self-imposed slavery. This process shall be thoroughly explored and outlined in three stages namely;

1.     Societal and material detachment

2.     Abstract detachment

3.     Detachment of the soul from the body

 

Societal and material detachment

This process of detachment is the first step and it involves the removal of all things and concepts that are regarded as worldly and material, and quite often such worldly possessions are linked and representative of the society and communities that surround us. Firstly, one would ideally attempt to distance themselves from all the material wealth, such as their luxuries, privileges, personal achievements and everything that is linked with their career or position in society. If this is done successfully, the individual would no longer feel the pull towards achievement, wealth, fame, and social status, and understand that such elements are not an inherent part of identity, and treating it as such is a futile and detrimental approach.

Gradually, the individual would develop an immunity to the raging torrent of ‘hustle culture’, and realize that true wealth lies in good health, peace of mind and mindfulness, and not in the endless material highs often chased by man. Such individuals would also grasp and adopt the ideal that the ultimate goal, is not what should be glorified but, that the journey to reach the goal, is what actually matters. This is due to the simple reason that the journey as well as the experiences that come along its way, is what shapes individuals and aids them in their growth, provided that they act with awareness and an inextinguishable will to learn.

Next, individuals would examine their resident community, and its members. This element of detachment is one of the most challenging, as it includes people that are so close to the extent that they appear to be an inseparable aspect of one’s identity. Such people happen to be their parents, siblings, as well as those who are not blood related, yet equally as closely knit as their family members, and those who fall under the umbrella term ‘chosen family’, such as newly inducted family members, friends, and pursued love interests. A majority are unable to fathom a life without their family and friends in particular, and the inevitable loss that accompanies such close knit relationships, are sufficient to completely disintegrate, or dismantle our state of being.

Family and friends are an integral part of our foundation, and are tightly woven into our identity, as their absence causes voids that can never be filled, and possesses the capacity to destabilize our state of being. The detachment of such closely knit relationships, results in the realization that their closeness does not define our identity, and that ultimately they too are fellow travelers in this journey of life, who have their own story to write. Detaching yourself from them means neither a lack of acknowledgement and appreciation for their presence, nor an invalidation of their role. It simply means that you acknowledge that they aren’t special, no matter how much love is shared, and that they don’t define you. While this does not ease the pain of their absence, it provides an understanding of their temporary existence, which makes us value them graciously enough to let them go when the time is right, and not fall apart when they do. It also eases the guilt and burden experienced when we make difficult life choices, when we are able to understand that neither belongs to the other, and that each is following their own path.

Finally, one would attempt to distance themselves from other societal constructions such as nationality, race, religion, gender, etc… They realize that none of the above factors are concrete, absolute definitive elements that constitute facets of our identity, and frankly that such facets cause more division, disharmony and prejudice, rather than provide a sense of belonging and individuality. Such elements are fragile concepts that society enforces to create a false sense of belonging. Individuality is gained not by upholding such concepts, but by casting them off and understanding that it transcends them, as humans are more than their societal markers, their material wealth as well as their close knit family and support systems.

 

Abstract detachment

Once the individual is able to shed their outer layer which consists of the societal connections and worldly material, they attempt to distance themselves of the second layer of detachment, which comprises of abstract ideals, that form the basis and cover of one’s identity. This stage of detachment can also be referred to as the removal of the ‘ideas of self’.

As stated on numerous occasions, the concept of identity is a mental construction that is tightly wrapped up in layers of abstract ideals. These layers of abstract ideals usually comprise of facets such as belief, faiths, opinions, values, preferences and ideas. This is even more challenging to let go, as most of us refuse to compromise such concepts especially when it comes to beliefs and values, and tend to latch onto such elements the way one would cling onto a canister of oxygen.

Detaching oneself from such abstract ideals, contrary to popular belief is not detrimental, and does not deter individuals from experiencing growth and development. When we let go of the idea of self, we create freedom and space to act and grow, as we don’t have an identity that is so fragile to the extent that it requires safeguarding and protection. Additionally, when such individuals are attacked, accused or framed, they remain calm, nonchalant and do not lose their composure, due to the simple reason that they have liberated themselves from the mental prison of abstract ideals, and no longer feel the need to defend them, or to safeguard their reputation.

 

Detachment of the soul from the body

The final stage of the process of detachment, which is an absolute form of detachment, as it involves succumbing to the notion that ‘the self’ simply ceases to exist. This stage is also termed as the ‘removal of self’. It is the realization that the body is a vehicle that a traveler is gifted with to voyage the journey of life, and thus it is not an inherently definitive part of one’s self. Individuals at this stage begin to comprehend the nature of the body, and appreciate it for all the vital organs that make the body work, and do not see any use in maintaining its outer appearance that is bound to deteriorate. They understand that it’s the inner organs that matter, as they protect and enable the working of the body, and not its outer appearances that make a difference in its ability to function.

Such individuals who are able to distance themselves from their body, have reached a high stage of detachment, which makes them immune to all the body shaming, glamor, and glorification, of body stereotypes, that are often perpetrated by our society, and further enhanced through the use of social media.

Additionally, individuals who manage to accomplish this state of detachment, and immunity, are able to embark, and even reach a higher state of the above mentioned form of detachment, namely the distancing of the soul from the body, which serves as its corporeal from. Such individuals would not only be living a carefree, detached life, but also gradually overcome their fear of death, as they would now perceive it as a liberation of the soul from its corporeal structure, erasing a huge element of anxiety that a majority suffer from.

As the process of detachment has been explored as discussed, now one can comprehend what it means to be a free individual. Individuals who have mastered at least the first two stages of detachment, namely abstract, societal and material, who are comfortable with being themselves, are free. Being yourself in this context is not simply identifying one’s flaws and positive qualities, while embracing the two. It doesn’t merely mean the acceptance of oneself and conducting themselves accordingly. In this case, individuals must feel comfortable being who they are, and that is being human - that is being comfortable with the removal of all those layers, without clinging onto identity, nationality, family and other aspects, and simply accepting that one is nothing less than an animated corpse.

Contrary to popular belief, humans have no purpose, and if detachment is a task that requires to be classified, then yes, the purpose of all human beings is to embark upon the process of detachment, and strip themselves of everything, including the layer, which we ‘assume’ form the entirety of our identity. It is to achieve the realization that what we have, is in fact not what we have.

If we don’t have a particular purpose, and we are not unique in our issues and identity, and if our actions and experienced events lack cosmic significance when viewed in relation to the bigger scheme of things, we might wonder what it is that we have to be grateful for. A majority, when asked this question immediately state that it’s their family, spouse, children, and occasionally a few go on to state that it’s their friends and career that give them a reason to express gratitude and continue living. This is quite a detrimental approach as such elements are extremely fluid in nature, and can negatively impact our state of being if it meets with an abrupt end. Ideally, when such a question is asked, the answer that should automatically pop up is ‘our breath’.

What many fail to realize is that once all those layers of detachment are shed, we are nothing but an animated living body. The only thing that makes our living body different from a corpse is our breath. For this very reason, our breath happens to be the only thing that we cannot live without. Not our family, reputation, status, job or career. It doesn’t mean that one should not be grateful for family and friends, but one should remember that one’s breath is the priority, and happens to be the very thing that allows us to experience such facets in our life, and thus should be the thing that we remain grateful for.

 

“Often in the endless search for purpose and fulfillment in life, we tend to forget that our purpose is to simply live and let go" - the hopeless pessimist

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Dispelling the 'Ghosts' of the Past and riding the 'Waves' of Time

 

“Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, but today is a gift. That is why it is called the present.” – Kungfu Panda

“Don’t let the past blackmail your future, to ruin a beautiful present.”- Dear Zindagi

 

Most ideas revolving around the concept of the past appear to reinforce and reiterate a single idea; the past isn’t something that should be dragged or clung onto. This, however does beget a simple yet seemingly unresolvable question – if the past is meant to be left behind, why does it continue to resurface?

Individuals who have been approached with the topic of the past, even when engaged in casual conversations often remark about the frustrating effects of its resurgence. The waves of the past have spared none in its resurgence, dousing even the most peaceful, calm, and detached individuals, who would often find themselves confronting what is commonly dubbed as the ‘ghosts of their past’. These ‘ghosts’ as we know tend to vary depending on the individual, with no age limit when it comes to its impact, thus contributing to its universality.

Once we have gauged an understanding of the nature of the past, as well as its universality, we can approach the million-dollar question through an examination of certain integral concepts such as time, and come up with some intriguing theories that would at least convey some semblance of closure, or at the very least, attempt to seal certain loopholes.

Time is an integral element of the past, and previously before the works of contemporary psychologists and philosophers such as Sigmund Freud, the concept of time was believed to be eternal and absolute. Time previously referred to what was measured by external clocks and calendars, and what is termed as chronological time. As put forward by Henry Bergson, chronological time can be measured by external sources and perspectives, and thus flows uniformly for each individual.

The notion of psychological time, as the other perspective observed by Bergson, is a vital and underrated aspect, which emerged as a popular concept in the 20^th century. Unlike chronological time, the instrument of measurement when it comes to psychological time revolves around human states of consciousness, which cannot be measured by material objects. Psychological time, also known as ‘duree’, is something that is experienced within and thus does not flow uniformly. This highlights ‘duree’ as a notion brimming with fluidity, which in turn varies according to each individual’s mind, and the way they perceive their internal state of consciousness.

Through an application of Bergson’s perspectives regarding time, it becomes increasingly evident that the concept of time consists of two facets. Each portrays a different aspect of the above concept, which in turn plays a significant role in the resurgence of one’s past. The fluidity of psychological time and the lag between the two facets could thus be perceived as a plausible explanation for the reappearance of the past.

An individual with exposure to some kind of traumatic event, for instance, would inevitably suffer the psychological repercussions that accompany it. This would ultimately lead to a heightened form of anxiety, as the individual is constantly faced with triggers that remind them of the transpired incident, thus creating a lag between ‘duree’ and chronological time. The individual’s state of consciousness is not in line with chronological time, and the disparity created, impacts their quality of life, making them feel as if they are constantly battling the ‘ghosts ‘of their past.

This disparity between external and internal time, including its effects on people, could be compared with the effect created when one’s rational side of the brain is not in sync with its emotional side. When either side is completely discarded, an individual’s inner state of mind becomes severely compromised, resulting in a state of mind that one could label as a state of absurdity and severe instability. An overindulgence of emotion leads to delusion coupled with an insatiable desire to feel good at any cost. On the other hand, an overindulgence of rationality leads to chronic indifference, which in turn, impacts the individual’s ability to connect and empathize with others, which ultimately leads to a feeling of hopelessness and lack of purpose.

Resolution then lies in easing the disparity and sealing the lag created by the two facets of time, enabling the smooth functioning of the above two in coordination with each other, in order to restore the lost equilibrium. Like the rational and the emotional parts of the brain, ‘duree’ and chronological time must ideally be bound together in holy matrimony, in order to exorcise those ‘ghosts’ and reduce the potential of their resurgence.

However, the resolution itself poses numerous obstacles, as it violates certain fundamental principles of the human condition, such as the disillusionment surrounding the notion of self-control. Most of the external incidents that surround us tend to be the work of forces that are completely out of our control. External factors such as the weather, outcomes of relationships, the forces of nature to name a few, are entirely out of our mundane control, and attempts to control such factors are not only futile, but prove to be absurd as well.

The lack of control we have towards outside forces, are reflective of our hold over chronological time. While we may be held accountable for certain actions that perpetuate certain conditions ranging from small scale incidents such as relationships, and career prospects, to large scale events like war and daily inequities, those actions reflect what is perhaps only approximately two percent of the control we possess over external events. By now, it is apparent that individuals do not possess absolute control over external events, consequently leading to them being subject, to the conditions and proceedings, imposed and demanded by chronological time.

Our inner states of consciousness on the other hand, possibly provide more scope for self-control, as they revolve around the internal state of our mind, and how it perceives unfolded events. Theoretically, one would assume that in order to restore equilibrium, one would simply need to adjust their mindset and alter the manner in which they perceive events, to gain some form of self-control. After all, even renowned philosophers such as Socrates have declared that the root of all virtue lies in reason.

However, as stated previously when one attempts to rely on reason as the main solution, it results in indifference and a sense of hopelessness. Furthermore, the ability to simply alter your perspective based on external events caters to the illusion of self-control. Most often, individuals are aware of their actions, choices, and outcomes, yet they lack the willpower to do so. Will power comes from feeling, which requires emotion, thus proving that reason, logic and rationality cannot be frequently applied to alter one’s inner state, so that it suits their external circumstances. For instance, if a close family member passes away, we know that the logical solution lies in accepting their death, and moving on. We are also aware that death is inevitable, yet we are constantly grief-stricken when faced with the death of a loved one. Even manageable situations or so-called “first world problems” like relationship complications of dealing with being rejected by the one you love, does not ease the intensity of the pain caused, even though we are aware that the solution lies in not taking everything personally, and to forgive and move on. This goes on to show that although individuals are aware of the solution, they do not implement it because they don’t feel like doing so.

Society has ingrained the belief that in order to do something, one must simply want to do so, and muster enough courage to get there. A belief that altering our perspective is, as simple as deciding to do it and having the spirit to do so. This belief is quite damaging as it feeds into the illusion of self-control. Controlling one’s mind is as futile as attempting to control the sea and the intensity of its waves. It is not just unreasonable. It is impossible. Therefore, as self-control is an illusion, we cannot exert control over our inner state of consciousness, making us subject to the circumstances enforced by psychological time.

By now we have established that a plausible explanation for the resurgence of the past is due to the lag created when one’s psychological time does not tally with the forces of chronological time. Moreover, we have also explored the disillusionment involved in the concept of self-control, which portrayed the lack of control over the above two facets of time. It is apparent therefore that individuals are subject to the ravaging forces of time and are at the mercy of nature.

If, individuals have no control over external and internal influences, we could assume that individuals are not responsible for experiencing triggers, and cannot be held accountable for the lag created between chronological and psychological time. Furthermore, if individuals are at the mercy of the forces of time and nature, it begets a more concerning and uncomfortable question – can man truly be blamed for the recurrence of history, if there are other forces at work? If the ghosts of the past cannot be truly vanquished, can individuals be held accountable for the recurrence of the larger events at work?

All of this points to one crucial fact - the absence of self-control places individuals at the mercy of the forces of the environment and the universe. When we can’t control the ways of the universe, and human nature, we adapt and learn to accept the conditions of our being, instead of fighting against it. Similarly, when individuals learn to accept the fluidity of their states of consciousness, and understand its nature in relation to chronological time, they will understand that it is not ‘ghosts’ that need to be dispelled, but ‘waves’ of the past that need to be ridden.

At the start, the waves may overwhelm you, engulf you, knock you over, and perhaps even pull you under. But, we often forget that it would never kill us. Gradually, with patience and understanding, we would adapt and learn to gauge the intensity of the waves, and in doing so, surf the waves of the past until one day, the lag between the two facets of time simply cease to exist.

“To gain control, one must accept the fact that they have no control” – the hopeful pessimist

 

The Ramblings of a Madman

11.33 pm

An abyss of darkness. Tinted windows. The soft whirring sound of the fans. The shuffling sound of the matron’s shoes stomping across each aisle, as she completed her final round of checking up, on each patient. Satisfied, she sweeps out of the door, and immediately the lights go off. The cranking of a chain breaks through the silent atmosphere, as a padlock is slipped into place.

As if on cue, silence fills the empty dark abyss once more.

12.01 am

After what seemed like an eternity of trying, Adrian threw back his covers and propped up his pillow. Laying back he let his eyes wander, scanning the numerous immobile unconscious inmates lying in the ward. He often wondered what it felt like to effortlessly fall asleep without the endless cycle of thoughts taking over, on a daily basis. The experts had attributed it as one of the numerous symptoms of his condition. But then.

“Trouble sleeping?”

Adrian instinctively whipped his head around to find a tall dark man leaning against his bedpost. He was unusually well dressed for a visitor in the ‘Institute of Blown Up Minds’. His black Gucci suit, with dazzling silver cufflinks, seemed to brighten up his outfit. His shoes were well-polished, and an aura of unquestionable authority seemed to radiate from him. Despite the visitor’s refined distinguished demeanor, Adrian couldn’t help but feel a slight chill, coursing through his body. It took immense energy and effort to suppress the urge to quiver like a helpless child. He involuntarily rubbed his arms in an attempt to thwart the sudden surge of gooseflesh, that was threatening to break across his skin.

The well-dressed visitor was now making his way across the aisle towards the bed next to Adrian’s. A fat man in his mid-fifties lay sprawled on the bed. His arms were dangling on either side of the bed frame, searing the image of a rather pathetic crucifixion in the minds of those who had the misfortune to glance. To Adrian’s utmost horror, the visitor proceeded to use the man’s bulging stomach as a seat.

“What are you doing? Are you trying to wake him up?” hissed Adrian.

His mind was now swirling with all the endless scenarios which all happened to end disastrously, and were further stimulated by the sheer underrated fear of discovery.

 “Ha-ha! Protective now are we” chuckled the visitor.

He then proceeded to tease Adrian but immediately ceased, upon seeing the distress scrawled on Adrian’s face which had now paled in response.

“My dear boy, you do know that you happen to be the only one who can see me right?”

 He had now taken a small metal flask out of his coat pocket, and took a long swig from its contents. Smirking, he held out the flask towards the pale huddled figure, who had now drawn the bedsheet around him like a cape.

“Why is it that I am the only one who can see you? What’s so special about me?” mumbled Adrian completely ignoring the outstretched hand in front of him.

The visitor snorted and slowly withdrew his hand. After chugging down a few more sips he spoke.

“Well, why don’t you tell me Adrian. Or better yet, tell me what do the so called ‘All Knowing Experts’ have to say?”

 The visitor lay back and looked at him expectantly.             

Adrian glared at the visitor who was now using the man’s open drooling mouth as a self -furnished foot rest. He sighed and rolled his eyes.

“Shouldn’t you be knowing that since you are supposedly all knowing and all powerful!” snapped Adrian tired of all the mind games, and the reverse psychology. Yet, after a slight pause he grudgingly answered.

“They said that I was mad. Schizophrenic. That’s what they call…” he stopped abruptly as the visitor had burst into a massive uncontrollable fit of laughter. The visitor seemed clearly oblivious to Adrian’s deathly dark stares.

“I always found the collective creativity of mortals to be the most underrated form of entertainment” sniggered the visitor who had now decided to occupy the edge of Adrian’s bed.

“Only mortals would come up with the most bizarre terms as an attempt to classify anything that are beyond their understanding. Ironically, it happens to be one of the most common, yet unrecognized forms of madness.”

Adrian shook his head. ‘This is all wrong….” He muttered. “You are not supposed to even be here…. I…I… shouldn’t even be seeing you, much less engaging in a conversation with you.”

A small forlorn smile lit up at the corners of the visitor face. He sighed.

“Humans tend to label everything they come across ranging from connections to mere biological functions. It is a pathetic and futile attempt to create a sense of reassurance. An illusionary sense of control. They say every individual is unique, but are unwilling to accept unrecognized forms of uniqueness. Ergo, the use of their preferred umbrella term - ‘mad’.”

The visitor paused and glanced at Adrian who was now wearing a look of deep meditation. He badly wanted to believe the visitor whom he barely knew. Unexpectedly, Adrian found himself at a complete loss for words. As he struggled to rationalize his thoughts, he realized that the weight of the visitor’s words, as coherent as it seemed, contained extremely complicated concepts that were currently indigestible. He could not remember the last thing the visitor said or the point at which he’d finally fallen into a deep and dreamless slumber.

09.59 am

The metal clanging sound of the gong in the morning was still ringing in Adrian’s ears, as he stumbled his way towards the dining room, along with the other inmates. The smell of onion soup and toast wafted through the dining hall, finding its way up Adrian’s nostrils. The dining room reverberated with noise and confusion, as the inmates dashed forth to claim their seats. A few tables to Adrian’s right, three inmates were engaged in an intense brawl. Adrian rolled his eyes, and started serving a small bowl of hot soup with four pieces of toast. Today, feeling rather ravenous for some unknown reason, he swiftly occupied a desolate chair at the corner.

10.37 am

He had massacred two pieces of toast and was on the verge of clawing the third when a voice behind him whispered

“Mind saving me the last piece?”

Adrian choked and a large chunk of chewed toast shot out of his mouth like a Frisbee. A ripple of laughter erupted immediately, spreading across the entire row at the dining table. Each one pointed at Adrian and laughed hysterically. Adrian turned a deep shade of red. Sweat had gathered on the insides of his palms. His fingers shook, as he hurriedly pushed his plate away and walked out of the room.

11.09 am

Halfway down the corridor to his ward Adrian paused to catch his breath, which came out in ragged gasps. Raging with embarrassment, despite knowing that the others couldn’t help reacting the way they did. However, this knowledge provided him with exceptionally less comfort. Sighing, Adrian turned to go into the ward where he found his path blocked by a stranger.

Unlike the previous well- dressed visitor, the stranger happened to be decked in long bright white pants, accompanied with shiny polished white covered shoes. The sleeves of his bright white shirt was long and spotless. A gleaming black leather belt bound across his waist, enriched with a silvery metallic buckle in the shape of a vaguely familiar crest. He was leaning with his hands crossed, against the door frame leading to the ward, like a boulder obstructing the entrance of a cave.

“Do I know you?” grumbled Adrian, who still hadn’t recovered from his breakfast fiasco which had occurred purely because of this stranger’s creepy act of whispering in the first place.

“I am the Great Omnipresent Divine” he chuckled.

“Great! He speaks Adjective” muttered Adrian. Definitely a new inmate at the institute.

Frustrated, Adrian shoved the stranger aside, but curiously enough, he wouldn’t budge. Startled, he tried again. And again. And again. The stranger just stood there calm and composed which only infuriated Adrian further, and gave him incentive to punish the stranger. The attempt was futile, as it was like continuously ramming oneself into a brick wall. Finally, he gave up and stroked his arms which had already started to throb.

“Interesting”.

The stranger tittered as he watched an infuriated Adrian nurse his throbbing arm. Ignoring Adrian’s lack of acknowledgement, he continued.

 “Using one emotion to suppress or conceal another. And they say that mortals are mindless creatures.”

The stranger approached Adrian who cowered, and appeared clearly disoriented as well as in obvious pain. He attempted to sneak past the stranger, but found that his legs refused to obey him. He slumped down against the wall in defeat.

“So Adrian, why don’t you tell me what’s bothering you?”

His voice radiated concern and kindness, that Adrian found himself unconsciously lowering his guard. His anger dissipated. Oddly he found himself longing to confide in this stranger. There was a sedative yet authoritative aura emitting from him, in contrast to the icy chill he experienced when, the previous well-dressed visitor had approached him.

“Everything” whispered Adrian. His voice quivered as he blurted out these words.

“Every moment that passes is a constant reminder of the imprisonment that I am forced to undergo. I am trapped in this institution because they think I am mad. I am trapped in this body of flesh and bones that deteriorates little by little, on a daily basis. Each time, I try to tell people what goes on in my mind, they all have this pitiful look in their eyes, and throw all their fancy medical terms at me…. I…. I just…. and Adrian found himself unable to continue the sentence. Tears started streaming down Adrian’s face, and he furiously rubbed them away almost clawing his eyes out. After a few minutes, Adrian proceeded with his confession.

“Maybe they are right after all. I am mad. I don’t even know why I am even talking to you, or why is it that I am the only one who can see you. If you are one of my delusions, why haven’t I seen you before. And please don’t tell me it’s because I am special or that my madness is a gift, like the previous well- dressed gentleman. I want the truth. And I want it now!” snapped Adrian.

The stranger sighed, yet retained his authoritative demeanor.

“I gathered that you have previously spoken to my wayward son already. He was always an intelligent one, and had a very interesting way of looking at things, in spite of being the Prince of Hell.”

 A look of longing and nostalgia crossed over the stranger’s face. For a moment, Adrian forgot his misplaced anger and tear stained face. He suddenly felt compelled to offer some words of comfort. However, he managed to resist the temptation, and resorted to nodding his head instead.

“Communication. A vital yet consistently misunderstood aspect of humanity. Humans tend to speak a lot. They go to great lengths to ensure the continuation of communication, and even go on to develop various means of enhancing it as well. Unfortunately, in spite of the abundant availability of communicative modes, humans still lack the fundamental skill of communicating. This lack of communication in an era dominated by technology and other various modes pertaining to communication, is what should be regarded as madness. The fact that one cannot express themselves and be understood in spite of all the forums of communications available is nothing short of utter madness.” The stranger finished and gazed expectantly at his companion.

12.13 pm

Adrian was silent, as he pondered over the words of the stranger. Though It all seemed to make sense, but something was not quite right.

“Are you saying that my madness is just because I can’t communicate? That it is only the fault of those who are unwilling to comprehend my visions?” croaked Adrian.

The stranger smiled forlornly and nodded.

“Yes. Miscommunication is rampant all over the world. Even between the realms as you might have heard. They call me the Almighty. The all-knowing supreme force, and various other names and titles as you know. God. The Holy Father. The list is not exhaustive, and hence I must admit that it is quite hard to keep track of them all I’m afraid. The nature of my form, my bidding, my work is often subjected to great debate. Your ideas are quite revolutionary Adrian. It is why I have finally visited. To show you that you are on the correct path, no matter what the medics have to say about it.”

Pausing to take it all in, Adrian mentally prepared himself. Now was his moment. He had to choose his words very carefully in order for it to display the intended effect.

“So you are saying that you are actually God. As in the Creator itself. And you do admit that you have often been a victim of miscommunication as well”, finished Adrian, pausing to see how the stranger would respond.

“Adrian my son, not only have I been a victim but I have also been used as a reason to fuel the raging fire of miscommunication. Wars have been fought in my name. Murder and other heinous crimes have been committed under my name. In fact, institutions have been built to preserve my name, which mortals use to instill fear and control. I have been both victim and victimized on numerous occasions for centuries.”

After intently listening to each and every word, having not yet received a reaction from the stranger, Adrian braced himself for the final question. The often unresolved million-dollar question.

“If you detest being victimized due to miscommunication, why do you allow it to happen in the first place?”

The stranger’s eyes sparkled. But before he could reply, Adrian quickly pressed on.

“If all these atrocities were committed in your name, why did you not intervene and stop them? Instead you let them carry on for eons allowing history to repeat itself. You say that you have been a victim of miscommunication. Yet, thousands of mortals pray, and invest a lot of faith and belief in you. Why do you not heed their pleas? Why don’t you ever listen when we try to reach out? It seems to be that you are not a victim but the reason why miscommunication prevails!”

The last few sentences rang out rattling the air like ricocheting bullets, which invariably attracted, and drew a number of onlookers towards Adrian. Adrian had turned a deep shade of red, and his whole body was quaking with the intensity of his rage. The stranger looked concerned, and attempted to pacify him.

“Adrian…...I….”

But Adrian never got to hear the rest of it, as he was busy wrestling with a woman in a blue uniform, who was hovering over him. In the right palm of her outstretched hand, which was pinned down by Adrian, was a syringe filled with an antipsychotic drug. Adrian’s eyes were bloodshot, his body shaking uncontrollably, as he thrusted the nurse against the wall, startling all the other inmates. His ears seemed to have been clogged with rage as he could barely hear the orders given by his victim. Suddenly, he felt himself been dragged away. His attempts to fight back proved to be in vain, as he was being tied up, and forcefully led away.

1.17 pm

Everything seemed to be moving fast, and rather blurry. He blinked his eyes but to no avail. All of a sudden, he felt himself being shoved onto a bed in an isolated room. The bed was hard and made out of cold metal, and its impact sent waves of pain coursing up Adrian’s back. He tried to move, and realized that he had been strapped down. He struggled harder, and the room seemed to drift in and out of focus. He seemed to be able to only hear and feel, which made him panic. He could literally feel his heart beating in his chest, as if trying to break free from the body, it was imprisoned in.

“Clear!”

All at once two metallic black pads crackling with electricity, as if one was trying to tune in to a radio channel, were placed on Adrian’s bare chest. Immediately, his whole body jerked as if a spirit had suddenly entered his body. His body started twitching and convulsing until it suddenly sprang up again. Everything began to fade, and at last his body lay immobile.

2.39 pm

When Adrian finally opened his eyes, he saw a tall lean figure looming above him. He blinked rapidly. It took several minutes for fog surrounding his vision cleared. The figure was now grinning widely at him, dressed in black pants and a black shirt. A sliver band dangled at the end of his wrist, with two intersecting wings etched on it.

“It’s you!” Adrian laughed as he gazed at the figure.

“Thank heavens! I was afraid that your fiasco would make it impossible for you to recognize your very own guardian angel”.

At these words, both of them broke into a fit of hysterical laughter.

“Shhhhhh…” he whispered, trying in vain to stop the incoming surge of laughter that was threatening to engulf him. “If they heard us laughing, they would surely try to sedate you, or administer some bizarre drug. Who knows what kind of tortures these doctors come up with on a daily basis”.

Adrian snorted and exploded into another fit of uncontrollable giggles making him breathless. As he struggled to regain his composure, he decided to confront the angel. Adrian was tired of all the lies and the manipulation. He didn’t feel special. He certainly did not feel like he belonged at the institute either. He deserved to know the truth.

“Am I mad?” he asked directly.

The guardian angel beamed.

“Madness is not a state of mind; neither is it conceptualized ideology.

In its purest form madness is nothing less than a landscape of oneself.”

 In that sense, my dear Adrian… each and every one of us …….is –

---mad.